Saturday, April 24, 2010

It's back.

As you may know if you have read this blog for a while, I have had major problems with anxiety in the past. In March 2008, I started going to see a (phenomenal & inspirational) acupuncturist because I wanted to do something to support my body and general health. I'd had two miscarriages and I was an overwraught, skinny, brittle person trying to keep it all together and get on with my life.
It wasn't working.
Jan - my acupuncturist/hero - told me in no uncertain terms that she felt that my anxiety was essentially crippling my body. I saw the anxiety and the miscarriages as two separate problems and after a few months of weekly treatments - the toll the anxiety had been having on me physically finally became obvious to me.
I achieved a kind of calm and comfort in my skin that I hadn't felt for a long long time. I realised that I had been internalising virtually all of my negative emotions and fear for quite a while and forcing myself to 'toughen up' whenever these feeling arose. So they just built up and festered away inside.
For me, acupuncture has been literally life-changing and I plan to have regular treatments forever! It might not be for everyone, but it works for me.
And no, the needles don't hurt!

Anyhow, my anxiety even through IVF and pregnancy was at best - almost non-existent and at worst - easy for me to manage, and since J was born I have been virtually anxiety-free.
Great story isn't it?
Except that the anxiety is back. With a vengence.

Last night I had nightmares, couldn't sleep, woke up about 100 times, diagnosed myself with 3 ( yes 3!) different types of cancer, and this morning I am walking around with horrible feelings of dread and fear. I just went for a walk and that has helped a bit and I decided that it's probably best to write all this down and try to get it out of my system.

My anxiety is triggered by a fear of having some kind of serious illness that will impact on my family. I have been in the situation of being investigated for a serious illness in the past and after that situation was resolved - my anxiety began.
This time, I suspect it has been triggered by the article in last Sunday's paper about multi-vitamins impacting on breast cancer. But really, anything in that vein can do it.
Then it slowly grows till it comes on like a tidal wave.Or a tsunami.

That's the most annoying thing about it, you can understand it, recognise the triggers, acknowledge the irrationality of your thoughts, but still the anxiety is relentless.

I have an acupuncture appointment on Tuesday morning, so I guess I will just hang in there and try my best to be positive and calm till then.
Hopefully, that appointment will help me to stop climbing the walls!

Thanks for listening.

Have a lovely weekend!



Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Oh, you poor girl! I hope you feel better soon, and that your acupuncturist can finally get a handle on this for you! Please keep us posted! Hugs!!

Corinne said...

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. I really hope that you can get on top of it soon. It sounds like you have a good plan to sort it out. Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. xx


Such a beautifully honest and frank post. Thank you for sharing something that is so personal...
Sending you bubbles of peace

megs said...

Thank you ladies. Your comments really helped me to feel less alone. Anxiety is such a solitary thing!
Lots of love from me.xo

PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

I hope you find some resolution soon xx

marcime said...

Hi Megs - I went through exactly what you are going through. I got through it - anxiety is a strange thing isn't it? Its almost like it has a mind of its own...

Take care of yourself - love all of yourself - and keep going to accupuncture! (sounds fantastic)
- I wish you well - there is a light at the end of the tunnel - I saw it - so can you...