Refresh.

I've decided to hit the Refresh button on my life.

I have survived the first four months of motherhood and I'm ready to 'get on with it'. I feel like my life is a bit stagnant. Time to change things up a bit.

There is so much I want to do. Here is my list so far;

1) exercise daily - like I used to.
2) work one or two days a week
3) learn to use the sewing machine I got for Christmas
4) do a post here per day
5) learn how to use our coffee machine ( you know, in case of caffeine emergencies! I took one look at it when we got it and decided that coffee making was Sd's job.)
6) sort out our family budget
7) organise our holiday for the end of this year. 2 weeks at the beach - can't wait!
8) read regularly - I've done well in the last week or so because I started reading Oprah's unauthorised biography by Kitty Kelly and it's fascinating.
9) go and see someone about my anxiety. I really thought that I had gotten on top of it. But no.
The last thing J needs is an overly anxious mother.
10) decide what I want to do next - another baby? think about planning to open the store I've had in the back of my mind? something else?

There are about a million more things floating around in my head but I wont get carried away. I think these are more than enough for now!


Ps. Happy 4 months J - you're the best baby ever. xxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo



xx

Bloggers Without Makeup.

These photos are of me at 10pm on a Saturday night - just after I have washed my face and am off to bed. This is what I look like at the moment without makeup.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank whoever it was who invented concealer. I love you. Thanks to you I look normal most days...

Having said that, this is me.

Mother of a 14 week old baby , amongst many other things...

Quite frankly, whatever I look like is fine by me.

The 'Bloggers Without Makeup' is the idea of Jodie from Mummy Mayhem. There are heaps of other lovely bloggers doing this so go and check them out here!


xx

Five Year Plan.

Actually, I don't have one.
I'm not a planner.
Well, I'm not a long term planner.
I am a highly organised short term planner - but for the big picture?
I've got nothing.

I've always been this way. I hate the idea of my life being all mapped out. The element of surprise is very important to me...especially as I'm getting to be quite the old lady now and I do have responsibilities that mean I won't be popping off for an impromptu overseas trip or spending all my money on big trashy nights out. Been there, done that.
So, what's next?
That's what I've been thinking about this week.
Sd and I are relatively laid-back people. He moreso than I , but we are both 'go with the flow' type people. And we've gone with the flow and here we are! Sd is about to start studying at Uni again ( for the next 5 years) and I hope that I am looking after and having babies for a while yet ; so I think we've come to realise that it's time to make some plans for the future. Even if it goes against how we've liked to live so far...

Our life is just fine but I'm starting to see the necessity and value of having a concrete plan and a definite direction and putting our energies into getting there.

Now, we've just got to make that happen.

Do you have a five year plan?
How did you come up with it?
Any words of wisdom for me?


xx

It's back.

As you may know if you have read this blog for a while, I have had major problems with anxiety in the past. In March 2008, I started going to see a (phenomenal & inspirational) acupuncturist because I wanted to do something to support my body and general health. I'd had two miscarriages and I was an overwraught, skinny, brittle person trying to keep it all together and get on with my life.
It wasn't working.
Jan - my acupuncturist/hero - told me in no uncertain terms that she felt that my anxiety was essentially crippling my body. I saw the anxiety and the miscarriages as two separate problems and after a few months of weekly treatments - the toll the anxiety had been having on me physically finally became obvious to me.
I achieved a kind of calm and comfort in my skin that I hadn't felt for a long long time. I realised that I had been internalising virtually all of my negative emotions and fear for quite a while and forcing myself to 'toughen up' whenever these feeling arose. So they just built up and festered away inside.
For me, acupuncture has been literally life-changing and I plan to have regular treatments forever! It might not be for everyone, but it works for me.
And no, the needles don't hurt!

Anyhow, my anxiety even through IVF and pregnancy was at best - almost non-existent and at worst - easy for me to manage, and since J was born I have been virtually anxiety-free.
Great story isn't it?
Except that the anxiety is back. With a vengence.

Last night I had nightmares, couldn't sleep, woke up about 100 times, diagnosed myself with 3 ( yes 3!) different types of cancer, and this morning I am walking around with horrible feelings of dread and fear. I just went for a walk and that has helped a bit and I decided that it's probably best to write all this down and try to get it out of my system.

My anxiety is triggered by a fear of having some kind of serious illness that will impact on my family. I have been in the situation of being investigated for a serious illness in the past and after that situation was resolved - my anxiety began.
This time, I suspect it has been triggered by the article in last Sunday's paper about multi-vitamins impacting on breast cancer. But really, anything in that vein can do it.
Then it slowly grows till it comes on like a tidal wave.Or a tsunami.

That's the most annoying thing about it, you can understand it, recognise the triggers, acknowledge the irrationality of your thoughts, but still the anxiety is relentless.

I have an acupuncture appointment on Tuesday morning, so I guess I will just hang in there and try my best to be positive and calm till then.
Hopefully, that appointment will help me to stop climbing the walls!

Thanks for listening.

Have a lovely weekend!


xx

Starry starry night.

I am currently reporting to you live! from a serviced apartment in Canberra.
That may not sound as exciting as I would like it to but I am actually quite thrilled to be here because it means I can write two whole posts in one day! ONE DAY!
TWO POSTS!
I am in Canberra because Sd has been here for work for the last two days and J and I tagged along in order to make our (my) life a bit more exciting. This afternoon we went to the French Masters exhibition at the National Gallery. It was absolutely fantastic. It was fabulous to see those paintings 'in the flesh' - so to speak. There was a crowd around all the Van Gogh paintings and a quietness in the room where they were hanging.
Except for the wailing coming from our pram.
Lovely J did not care about any bloody French Masters!!
Our visit to see this exhibition was a bit pear shaped actually but I hope we get some points for trying. I breastfed amongst the tapestries of the Ancient Middle East, I tried (and failed) to effortlessly move my pram out of the way of the record crowds who had come to see the Masters, I got my pass out and went outside to sit on a step and breast feed AGAIN because J just wasn't satisified with the one earlier. Yep. It was NOT a bundle of laughs I can assure you. It was exhausting. But well worth it.
'The Starry Night over the Rhone' was my favourite.
It was magical.

We then went out for dinner. I was really reluctant to go because I thought J was on a bit of a roll with the crying and screaming in public places. I was loving the idea of takeaway and Friday night TV in a serviced apartment. I think that gives you an indication of how traumatised I was at this point - that I actually wanted to do that rather than go out for dinner!
We went - to a great Chinese restaurant called 'The Chairman and Yip' which I loved and I am proud and relieved to say that my son slept through the entire event and as I type,continues to do so.
What a fantastic child!

So that's what I'm up to. I'm drinking a glass of red wine and typing this. Bliss!

We are off home tomorrow morning and I'm going to the movies with my friend tomorrow afternoon. How exciting! On Sunday we are catching up with some friends and their kids for lunch. Should be fun!


What are you up to this weekend? Whatever it is - Enjoy!


xx

Vent vent vent.

You know how something can completely take the wind out of your sails? Well, that just happened to me. And this post will be me venting so feel free move on over to the next blog if me venting is not something you feel like reading on a Monday morning!! ( can't imagine why you wouldn't!)

Without going into the gory details, I just rang my mother and in my view she said some things that, to say the least, were extremely childish and hurtful and wrong.
Essentially, she told me that she 'didn't feel like' doing something and then when I asked why she told me that she wasn't well. I said to her that that was news to me and then she told me that recently she had been investigated for an extremely serious illness and has found out she does not have it.
In order to defend herself.
She also said that she didn't want to tell me about it because she didn't want to ruin the birth of my child!?
Because it would be so much better to reveal that she had a life-threatening illness AFTER I had a baby!!!!!
Sooooo much better - obviously.

Although , she felt it fine to suddenly reveal it all in a phone conversation a couple of weeks before the birth of this baby in order to bite back at me when I asked why she 'didn't feel like' doing something. Fantastic decision.

I guess it is her business what she decides to share with other family members however I am devastated that she would choose to keep this from me and my sister and moreso that she saw fit to reveal it in such a way - using it as ammunition in an argument.

I'm furious. Can you tell?

I would like to add that she is surprised that I am angry ( because everything is fine and she does not have a terminal illness). So what's the problem?

Oh, and also that when I got married 2 years ago, my (chronically ill) father had shingles and was extremely ill on the day. I was so stressed that day because I could clearly see that my dad was a million times sicker than usual and everyone kept telling me he was fine. After the event, his condition was revealed to me and I made it very clear that that kind of 'protecting' of me was to never happen again.I thought we were clear on that.
Apparently not.


Off to set something on fire now. See you later!



xx

I miss Sparsley Kate.

I miss Sparsley Kate.

I assume that some of you also followed her blog, but, if you are unfamiliar with the heart-felt, often hilarious and all-round superb writing of the one and only SK then I all I can say is that she was an awesome blogger and writer and hopefully one day you will get to sample some of the fabulousness of Sparsley Kate yourself.

Her blog disappeared towards the end of last year, then it was back and I was overjoyed! But now she's gone again.

One of the reasons I loved her blog so much was that she was completely honest with her reader and herself - which is difficult to do at the best of times - but when you are going through difficult times - it can be too too much.

I respect her wishes to have time to herself and also to maintain her privacy. I just miss her.

So, if you're out there Mel/Sparsley Kate - a big Hello from me.
Happy 2010 and hope to hear from you soon in whatever form that takes.


xxoo

People wearing sunglasses.

In November we headed down to Melbourne for a wedding and at the beginning of the weekend we caught up with our lovely friend Dave. He is a photo-journalist and he literally has a camera with him at all times. We spent a lovely afternoon at the Belgian Beer Cafe on St Kilda Rd catching up and hearing about his plans for his next trip to far flung places...

He emailed us this photo recently - taken that afternoon - entitled 'People wearing sunglasses'.

The people are actually Sd and I. I really like this photo because it is simply a moment in time. Nothing more, nothing less. We really don't take enough photos and I'm really hoping that when the baby comes we get our act together and make photography a bit more of a regular occurrence.
Or we will just have to organise to see alot more of Dave!


xx

Merry Christmas lovelies!

I'm off to Melbourne for Christmas so I wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful 2010!!!!!

Thanks for reading for the last few months and thank you even more for all of your comments.
Reading each one of them makes me so happy!

See you soon!

xxoo

My Greta Garbo moment.

As the big day approaches ( it's 10 weeks away) , I must say that more and more, my fears seem to be related not so much to the birth of this baby - but being swamped with people, namely our relatives, straight after the birth. And after as well.

It's making me feel sick.

I know I sound like a freak, but I have had quite a few conversations now with some relatives in particular ( who have been pregnant themselves but not for a long long time) - and I don't feel like they are listening to ANYTHING I am saying. It is not boding well for the future.

I know that everyone is excited and loves us but I feel like I am being railroaded into doing and being whatever it is that suits these people, or whatever these people 'remember' themselves to have been when they were pregnant.
I feel like any deviation from that on my behalf is met with a response that basically is that I am mistaken or weird or being too precious, or unreasonable....

It's pissing me off to say the least and I am feeling very uncomfortable about what's going to happen when I actually have this baby. I feel like I'm going to be suffocated by people that 'know best'.

I can stand up for myself. That's no problem at all. In this case though, I don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone. Everyone's intentions are good. I'm just dealing with people who are not particularly great at picking up other people's feelings. Frankly, I don't think they are that interested in doing that - they don't have time; they're too excited and carried away with the thrill of it all!!

So, this morning Greta Garbo and her famous words 'I want to be alone' are springing to mind. Obviously, I don't want to be left completely alone but allowed a bit of space and also be recognised as the boss in this particular situation.

That'd be great.

Wish me luck!


xx

Is ignorance really bliss?

I am an anxious person. No doubt about that.
I wasn't always though. I guess I was never a person who threw caution to the wind all the time but I was certainly never the anxious,worrying person I can be now.

About 7 years ago I had a very stressful job and a complicated personal life. I worked very very hard at both my job and my personal life and overall I had some great times.
It was difficult though and above all,very hard on my mind and body. At a time where things were their most stressful, and had been for quite a while, my body packed up and I had a number of weird symptoms like weight loss, rashes, and patches of numb skin. It really scared me and I was investigated for things like MS and brain tumours and that scared me even more. Terrified me , in fact.

Well, that was the start of anxious me.

Everything improved and I have been fine for ages and ages now. In retrospect, I did not look after myself in any way, shape or form for a very long time and...that was the end result.

So, that was in 2003 and here I am now.

As I said,I have suffered from anxiety since that time. I think I went to a place of fear and dread I had not been vaguely close to before and I thought about illness and death. I thought about my life and what I had not achieved and what it would mean to me and those I loved if I wasn't a well person. Or if I wasn't around.

Obviously, many many people have experiences like this and mine was quite miniscule in comparison to what others go through. All I'm saying is, that that experience brought me to where I am today.

I've never had physical anxiety attacks. No sweats or palpitations or any of that stuff. It's all in my head and from the outside no one would have any idea that I am struggling to stop my head from exploding!

I've become much much better at getting through the anxious moments and talking myself down from the giddy heights of sheer panic when it occurs. I've talked to my GP, I tried meds once for three weeks but I felt nothing. No anxiety but unfortunately nothing else either. Not a way to live really!
Acupuncture and a healthy lifestyle ( ie; not living on cigarettes, cheese on toast and alcohol as I did back then) seem to be the way to go.
Actually, I must write a post on how much I love acupuncture. It really has changed my life. But that's another post.


ANYWAY, back to my original question. Is ignorance bliss?
At this point, I am very much leaning towards a general answer of Yes.
Lately, my anxiety has been noticably worse and I feel sure that it is because I have been listening to the radio more,watching TV more, and reading more newspapers, internet etc. I don't go out as much ( due to being preggers) and I am quite a nosy person so I love current affairs, politics, any kind of news in fact.
I seem to have inadvertently bombarded myself with information and I think I might have overloaded my brain a bit. No, ALOT.

I'm now acutely aware of my breast cancer risk, ovarian cancer risk, and the risk of eating too much salt. I know that 1 in 20 Australians will get melanoma. After listening to ABC702 for a couple of hours, Helen Caldicott informed me that most of the imported food we eat from Europe is radioactive, eg - apricots from Turkey.It will be for another 600 years by the way. I know that our country is coming increasingly divided about climate change and the fact that there are desperate people sitting on an Australian boat waiting for our government to DO SOMETHING. I know my husband needs to checked for prostate cancer each year after he turns 40.I know that I must ensure I get enough folate while I'm pregnant, but if I have too much then I will give my baby asthma. Actually, that's what one study shows, they aren't 100% sure yet. They thought they'd put it on the news anyway.
I know that even though the economic crisis seems to be on the improve, unemployment is getting worse. I know I should not even entertain the idea of eating processed food and I need to make absolutely sure that I get enough Vitamin D because it is intrumental in prevention of a number of serious illnesses but I really should not go out in the sun. You know, because of the melanoma thing...

Could someone please pass me a paper bag to breathe into?!

I suppose I should be happy that I have made the connection between information and my anxiety but now I need to work out how to remain informed (because a true blue Gemini like me MUST know what is going on out there in the world at all times! )
while remaining sane.

Any tips?



xx

Something I've noticed.

I've had a bit of a rollercoaster week. Sounds dramatic doesn't it! It wasn't like that at all - I just worried about a few different things on and off all week and then at the week's end - everything was ok.

I can't believe it! I really thought it was a long shot that the things I've been worrying about would all work out as I had hoped. But they did.

What I've noticed is that I seem to have some kind of wierd thought process that says that 'everything can't all go to plan because that would be too lucky, and if it did then something else would then go wrong'.

As I type that, I can see how truly strange that way of thinking is - but it seems to pop up every now and then. Am I alone here?

I don't really know what it's about. I'm not a pessimist or superstitious, or a cup half empty person. I don't think I learnt it from my family or anything like that. My lovely husband is a total optimist and would never ever think that way.

It's a bit disappointing really. I'll need to do a bit of work in that area I think!!!

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

xx